Starfox Meets It's match
by JyrFalcon345
Summary: The Starfox Team and the Cornerian army have been sent out to apprehend a dangerous mercenary. In this story The AWFUL TRUTH gasp! about Fox MCLOUD WILL BE REVEALED
1. Chapter 1

_Note: Personally I really liked the Starfox game. But I've always wanted to lamblast it. So this is my attempt. My character (Kiana) and her Mercenary Combine vs the Starfox Team and the Cornerian Army… Throw in Murphy's Law and welll… Please excuse the errors as I just rattled this off on my lunch break._

The Great Fox and the entire assembled cornelian fleet drifted through space, scanners on high alert. They had been assigned to take out a highly dangerous mercenary who had been slashing the tires of general Pepper's ground car for 3 years straight. This constituted a national emergency. If she could heartlessly slash the tires of a poor defensless orphaned groundcar, what would stop her from taking over the sytem itself? On the bridge of the Great Fox, Fox McLeod, Slippy, Falco, Krystal, and the (by now incontinent and drooling) hare Peppy sat in their respective seats. Falco piped up, "So tell me again why we are searching for this girl? " Fox turned toward Falco after putting do and said in a heavy French accent, "Because the author wills it. And so it must be done." The raptor quipped, "Well as I'm concerned the author can kiss my-" "SILENCE you _Impotent_ fools!" the author roared, "How dare you defy me. Do you want me to write you up as a girl again Falco? In the pink dress??" Falco fell silent, muttering incoherently.

On Slippy's screen suddenly a message popped up. "Hey, guys look up! We've got her!" He gestured up at a small dropship that was lumbering toward them. Commander Pepper opened up a channel. "Unknown craft, Identify yourself!" The face of a dazzlingly beautiful young girl popped up on their view screens. "Man you guys are slow." She quipped. "I've been sitting in this same spot for three freaking WEEKS and your sensors still couldn't pick me up?" She leaned foreword in her flight seat. "Maybe if that idiot, Fox Mcloud would stop trying to give Slippy a Blowjob, he'd have actually upgraded your ship's sensors eh?" The Starfox team gasped. Fox looked back at his team, "Guys, it's not what you think… she's lying. There's no way I'd ever do…that." Slippy's mouth twitched and Falco snickered to Krystal who was positively livid, "Told you he was…weird." Fox glared at the screen and said, "Kiana we are here to arrest you and impound your ship."

"On what charges." Kiana snapped. "Biological warfare." Kiana laughed for a few minutes and when she stopped said, "You idiots, all I ever did was slash the General's tires." "AHA!" Fox crowed, "So you admit to your crime! Now stand down and prepare to be boarded." Kiana grinned, "Not by a long shot, boys. You all wouldn't be able to stop me if you tried. It's more you who should be afraid of me." "Oh yeah you and what army?" Fox snarled.

Kiana looked at the author who sat in the copilots seat. "I'd think that this requires the enforcement of the Murphy's Law/Famous last Words clause of 2234." Alex sighed and nodded. "These guys are stupid, what can I say? And Krystal's too much of a bimbo to live anyway." Kiana turned back to the screen. "This is Kiana to all units belonging to the Draconis Combine. Uncloak NOW." The space behind Kiana's dropship shimmered, and in it's place was a hulking Jalbardian Warship, Saucer shaped , and miles across. It's armored plating gleamed in the starlight, and hundreds of long barreled blaster turrets and recessed missile launchers telescoped from their positions. Every single weapon was pointed at the fleet. "We've got more contacts!" yelled Slippy, and hundreds of other ships warped into the area, Romulan war birds, All of the Iterations of the Starship Enterprise and even 7 or 8 Borg Cubes. Falco's mouth dropped and he said, "OHMYGOD is that a Borg CUBE??? Those are the best ship's ever this is freaking AWSOME!" Fox growled angrily, "We're on the losing side you dillwad." General Pepper snapped, "All units, attack!" and the battle had begun.

Kiana typed in a series of commands into her keyboard and pressed the transmit button. Slowly the Halcyon began to turn, until it's belly was facing the lead group of warships. Krystal quipped, "We're getting mooned by a freakin starship? Now this just sucks." On the bridge of the Halcyon crewmembers began locking the front battle group into the man cannon's firing sequence. On the bridge of the Lead Cornerian warship one of the crewmembers said, to the Commander, "Sir shouldn't we raise shields or something?" "No son." The old hound replied, "My stoic demeanor will repel their energy blast. We're the accepted good guys so we can't lose! Plus the fact that I have on my clown shoes helps amplify the effect." "But we don't have a stoicism generator on any of our warships, and ever since your drug possession conviction last year…" The fox's words trailed off when he saw the look on the general's face. "That is CLASSIFIED son. Now get off my bridge."

The fox's eyes blazed and he said, "Screw this, I'm defecting!" and ran for the shuttle bay. Half the bridge crew followed him. "Stoicism…" Pepper muttered. "Stoicism .

_More will follow soon. Do you want to see the Starfox team get pummeled? Let me Know! _


	2. Chapter 2

_Well you asked for it here it is. I am thoroughly flattered by the responses. I'll definitely keep this up. Enjoy._

Kiana's dropship[ hung in space as she waited. "Hey Fox!" "Yes?" the fox replied getting up, "Fire already. I've been sitting here for the past five minutes and you haven't even done anything. If you and Slippy are… oh my god, you two are disgusting!" As she said this, Fox and Slippy stood. _I swear it's like she's got a freakin camera aimed right at us._. Falco said, "I swear, you two are worse than Peppy, and he wears diapers and reads Play fox, Penthouse, Maxim, and a whole shitload of other stuff even I don't know about." Peppy spoke up, "Hey at least I have gonads chummily, all you've got is a freakin cloca…thing. Damn bird." Kiana tapped the view screen. "HELLO? Are you _deaf? _ This is supposed to be a space battle, a conflagration of…of…what was it?" she turned to the Writer. Alex sighed, "Fire and metal…" "Yes, fire metal, latrines…" "Latrines?" "Yes Latrines. They're in space battles right?" Alex's eyebrow raised. "Yeah, remember in Attack of the Clones, how Obi-wan and Anakin were flying deadly Portapotties of Doom and then killed the mechanized toilets brushes and Formula 401?"

Alex leaned forward and said, "In other words SOMEBODY start shooting, cause I've got my finger hovering over the delete key." Fox climbed back into his command chair, _Note to self: buy more lube… _"Slippy fire on the dropship." Kiana gently took hold of the flight stick and began to shift the drop ship back and forth, back and forth… Energy from the ship's main core sizzled down power conduits and into a series of marvelous systems-Slippy's patented design, which boosted the beams power until both beams had the equivalent destructive power of a _very dim_ 20 watt bulb. None the less the beams _looked_ powerful; ("And looks _are_ important!" thought Fox as he filed his nails.) and was a shade of pink that made several of the female soldiers on Kiana's side swoon. The beams shot out of the ship's cannons smelling faintly of lilacs. They streaked toward the target…and missed."

Kiana laughed. "Hey Fox…Your attacks sucked. Your ship can't hit the side of a barn. That's what happens when you design a star craft that can only shoot in ONE DIRECTION. . You can't even pivot the guns! Now my ships on the other hand…" She gestured behind her. "They will be only too happy to tear you apart!" The Halcyon hung back as the rest of the fleet surged forward and waited for the defecting Cornerian crewmembers from the General's flagship to dock, then surged foreward. General Pepper looked at the Janitor, as he was the only one at the controls considering virtually everyone on the ship had left. "Simmons… Release The Weapon…" The ferret pressed a button. And inside the general's flagship the generators began to spin up. At the same moment, the Halcyon's Main cannon began to charge. Things were about to get crazy…

Meanwhle the writer sat at his laptop wondering if he should throw Renamon into the mix…Just for flair. She was way cooler than Krystal anyway…


	3. Chapter 3

_Okay, I will lay off on the gay references about Fox and finally get on to the space battle. The Great Faux has fired off the first shot but well, It's been a bit of a disappointment. So far…_

Kiana's suped up dropship swirled through the battlefield, guns blazing trails of red fury as her squadron swung through the ranks of Cornerian craft. She instructed them to lead the assault, while she stayed around to pester Fox's ship. By this time Fox's team had already begun heading for the hangar. As they ran down the hallway toward their fighter, tinny heroic music playing in the background Falco panted at Fox, "Hey, why did you have to make the tunnel so damn long? It's not like we're out of shape!" Fox picked up his speed, and quipped, "It's for heroics Falco. This game is so horribly scripted that the designers had to try to build the climax to an almost orgasmic level before starting the game, what better way to do that than having an unskippable hour long sequence of "Action footage' of us running along a multicoloured hallway with lousy music playing in the background?"

Krystal called, "Here's the cue, get ready guys, name call and action pose in five.." Fox was the first to go, pirouetting up in the air, and calling out his name in a voice that rang to the heavens: "Fox Mcloud reporting for duty! "I'm the uber gay leader!" A brilliant spark flashed in his teeth as he gave a hideous Colgate smile." Slippy was second, "I'm Slippy Toad, resident mechanic and the most useless pilot in the entire game. Do a barrel roll!" Krystal smacked Slippy on the back of his head and growled, "We're on the ground you idiot. Shut up!" Krystal next: "Heya boys, My name is Krystal, I'm supposed to be sophisticated and suave because of my British accent, but in reality, I have the IQ of a snail and the body of a supermodel. I'm supposed to be a telepath, but who cares, cause I run around in a slim miniskirt even in the heat of battle! I'm the main sex symbol and selling point in the game" Fox whispered, to Falco, "My god, she's practically advertising herself."

As he said this a text message scrolled at the bottom of the screen: (Listed phone number is 444-4578 call for..well you know…) Falco's turn, "Hey, I'm Falco, the hot studly Avian Jock of the team. Girls love me, but can't get close to me because I try to act cool to hide the fact that I am a rabid nymphomaniac and pedophile!" Fox shrugged his shoulders, "Makes sense…"

Three hours later…

After they had finally reached the hangar bay, the team clambered into their Arwings. It is said that a person's cockpit is a representation of their inner self. Falco shoved a duffel bag full of porno DVD's behind his seat. Slippy's cockpit had an old Nintendo controller as it's only flight mechanism and Fox's cockpit was decked out in pink ribbons and lace. Krystal's was perhaps the most normal looking of the bunch, unless one noted the gigantic, STARFOX SUCKS stencil that ran gracefully along the nose and fuselage of her cockpit. The ships started up, pressurized, and flew from the Great Faux at breakneck speed. Almost as soon as the team had left the hangar, Slippy screamed, "Help fox, this one's right on top of me!" Falco snapped, "We aren't even five inches away from the ship and already your getting attacked? Jeez it's like you've got a Kill Me sign attached to your ship." Fox looked back at him and cried, "Oh no his own shadow's trying to give him a mercy killing, That's the second time this week! Krystal do the honors!" krystal slowed and put her thumbs against her temples projecting her calming message at the apparition, "Boobies….Boobies...Innuendo…Innuendo…" until the thing finally let go of Slippy's neck and crawled back to the floor. Later the Starfox team decided to help the cornerian fleet, by taking out the enemy's main flagship.

Kiana's dropship tailed the group as they tried to attack her starcruiser. As Slippy and fox tried, unsuccessfully to destroy a Jalbardian fighter that was sitting dead ahead of them, it's pilot asleep due to lack of interest, Slippy said, "You know, I totally banged slippy last night." Falco whooped, "Congrat's man you've finally gotten yourself a piece of smoking hot vixen. Sadly I am alone." Krystal piped up, "Don't worry Falco, remember, our schedule was, Slippy on Monday, Peppy on Tuesday, and You on Wensday. You all can have a crack at me-even my husband!" She giggled to Slippy, "He's gay huh? So this explains why Fox was so aroused when I did him with the strap on last week…" Fox growled angrily, "As soon as we get back to the ship I'm killing all of you.

Unbeknownst to them a sleek midnight black fighter was flying cloaked in their midst. Renamon was at the controls. She spoke into her earpiece. "You wan't me to take them out? But they're all so stupid…it just isn't very funny?" She listened for a moment longer then chuckled. "You're right Alex it would help to advance the plot and might possibly eliminate these strings of useless dialogue." Renamon gripped the firing controls of her fighter and centered it on Krystal's ship. "Say good night bitch…."

_Will Krystal be the first one to be eliminated? Will General Pepper's weapon ever finish charging? Will The writer stop posting this due to lack of interest_

_? Tune in to find out… Oh yeah, Renamon's a character from Digimon Tamers, or 'Season 3' she's my favorite character ever. _


End file.
